A friend had come to my place this Sunday with his family. I, along with my friend, were busy surfing channels on TV when suddenly we saw Set Max was playing – Adventurous of Tarzan. Both of us jumped in joy. This was the movie which we had either seen in a clandestine manner or we had only seen some of its ‘selected’ clips. So, to rejoice the old memories, we decided to see the movie. Here is a gist of turn of events that followed.
The very first scene was such a refreshing site. We saw a young Dilip Tahil(DK) clad in cheque shirt, a pair of jeans which looked as if was painted on his legs and a cowboy hat. He looked in some pain during the entire length of the movie. But when your jeans are as tight as his were, it was understandable. Now, unless you have seen Buniyaad, you would like to believe that Dilip Tahil is AK Hangal of post Ram Teri Ganga Maili era. His genuine acting days started from being Papa of Papa Kahte Hain and he never looked back. It was nice to see him taking his chances with the sexy siren of those days - Kimi Katkar (Ruby), who was always given her clothes Katkar. Not that I was complaining but I finally came to realize the reason behind her name.
In comes the father of all those girls who have been romancing with their heroes in bikinis, right from 70s to 90s, Om Shiv Puri(Shetty). He is dressed in a Man – U wala red sleeveless vest. He looks little worried because its jungle everywhere, not only around him but also in his armpits – a real dense jungle. He, being the leader of the group, announces that they would be moving upwards. He and DK discuss about some Tarzan who they plan to make slave and take to their circus.
Next morning, they all start climbing helped by a white rope with Shetty as their leader. For some strange reasons, DK is shown to be climbing on the rope upside down on a path which looks entirely different from others. His face also is not visible. I think it was originally filmed in a normal manner but with DK’s jeans not allowing his groin area any breathing space, censor board must have clipped the scene citing it as vulgar. So it was re-filmed later by some other stuntman behind director’s building. On the other hand, Ruby is rock climbing in her heels. How fashion conscious? I am sure she would like to go swimming in white bikini if she becomes a widow.
With each person, rope is becoming weaker. With each person, you are forced to think – will he be the one to drop off a Himalayan cliff? Will he survive? Tension builds and builds to such an extent that even my friend’s 3 month old daughter starts shouting. Finally, the sword falls on a curly haired man who happened to be in cheque shirt and air tight jeans. But it’s not DK, it someone else. As he falls, Shetty (who has already reached the top of the cliff) shows his true professionalism and shouts – “Bhagwaan, uski aatma ko shanty dena” (Oh God, may his soul rest in peace. Let’s move on).
There are some girls in the group climbing the cliff in dancing dresses. I and my friend wonder if they are dancers moving along with the group and dance once the rock climbing gets over. It happens exactly the same way. Once they all reach the top, every one start singing and dancing with Shetty jumping up and down in his sleeveless t-shirt. The trees start blowing real fast. Not in the jungle may be but definitely in his arm pits.
Next morning Shetty and DK talk about some Tarzan. But Ruby who, like almost all the leading/mislead actresses of 80s, has a penchant for bathing under a waterfall and sing. She goes for it and slips. Well not before her cloths slip many a times in the song. She starts flowing with the water. A giant crocodile is also shown in the same river. May be we are supposed to assume that crocodile was following her. But it didn’t look like that way. May be we don’t have an eye for detail. Ruby screams to the top of her voice. And then he appears. Hanging on the trees, making the noise I first heard in Bandar Chhap Kaala Dant Manjan ad, looking like more of a mutton shop than a human being. He is Tarzan. Ruby thinks her saviour has arrived and so do we. By now, Ruby is hanging by some tiny stone in that very high waterfall. She can fall anytime.
But to our amazement and Ruby’s, he starts fighting with the crocodile that was desperately running away from that spot to make sure Ruby’s screams don’t make him deaf. We wonder and shout – “Abey Magarmacch ki lega kya? Jaake use bacha “(Are you going to make love to that crocodile? Go save Ruby) But he is Tarzan. He not only kills the crocodile but also save Ruby. He also drops her back to her camp. Heart bells have started ringing.
Ruby asks her dad Shetty if she can fill her water bottle. Dad says yes and asks DK to keep an eye on her. DK is more than pleased to do so in hope of some cleavage show. So are we. But Ruby is a clever girl, she doesn’t look at DK. In his disappointment, DK decides to light a cigarette and as he looks back after doing so, he gets a shock. Tarzan has disappeared with Ruby. Love birds go to the jungle, roam around on elephants, and teach themselves a trick or two. Tarzan measures Ruby’s breasts with his hands and compares with his breasts. He is satisfied to see his breasts are bigger than Ruby’s.
Ruby comes back next morning and starts shouting, “Tarzan, I Love You.”
Shetty comes fuming and slaps her “Tumhari himmat kaise huyi sare-aam pyara ka ijehaar karne ki?” (How dare you express you love so publically)
“Idiot, if you are so worried about her expression of love in public, you don’t have a clue what she has done in private. Go check youtube.” We say.
Ruby runs away deep inside the jungle in search for Tarzan. She is wearing 2 inch broad red cloth on upper part of her body and a red sarong. She is caught by some tribal elements. Her cloths, whatever was there, are shown flying.
No. If you are thinking it’s a rape scene, you are wrong. She is shown lying on some bed and covered in more cloths. She is handed over to a 7 feet tall giant who looks to have come direct out of Ramsay Brother’s movies. He decides to rape her.
“Damn!!” we shout. The underwear shown is really tight and small. It seems to be covering just the crack between both the butts. No, not Ruby’s, I am talking about the rapist’s underwear. Ruby is dressed in her least revealing dress in the entire movie. Thankfully, before we started puking after looking at a hairy, dark and really muscular pair of butts, Tarzan comes as our, more than Ruby’s, saviour and scares that giant away. They again sing a song.
There is an ad break. Set-Max does tell you some special features about the movie it is showing. It tells us this time, “B. Subhash hunted and hunted for his hero. He was getting people with good body but no one had the desired masoomiyat (innocence) on his face. Finally he got Hemant Birje. Once he was signed, Birje had to do three months of preparation for the role”. I wonder if Birje prepared to get his body in shape or get some innocence on his face. I am a great admirer of Birje and he was my favourite hero in movie Divine Lovers. After all, whenever he came on screen in Divine Lovers, he made sure that heroine didn’t wear any clothes in that scene. But, with due respect to him, calling his face innocent will be like calling Mike Tyson feminine.
We change the channel.
We switch back and see Tarzan in a circus. DK is abusing and asking people to clap. People are clapping. DK is hurling hunters on him and asking people to clap. People are clapping. He is telling people Tarzan is his slave and asking people to clap. People are clapping. I wonder if people have come to see circus or to clap.
Ruby sings a song for Tarzan on the tone of “Koi patthar se na mare mere deewane ko”. Tarzan keeps doing strange stunts like jumping on a bed of sharp and huge needles. One of needles just misses his genitals. Ruby’s heart sinks but she finally takes a sigh of relief.
Song ends. News hungry media jumps onto Ruby to ask questions like
Do you know Tarzan?
How do you know him?
How long you have known each other?
How did you feel when on one of the needles almost turned him into Maharani of Sadak?
Have you seen Sadak?
Did you like it?
Would you like to do Neelima Ajeem’s role in Sadak. Or you would better do Sadashiv Amrapurkar’s role.
The reporters accidently throw her off the stage. She falls down. This makes Tarzan angry. He breaks his handcuffs and starts beating everyone. He beats DK. DK asks people to clap. People clap. He beats DK. DK asks people to clap. People clap.
By now, females present in my house lose patience. They, including the 3 month old baby, raise their voice in protest. We change the channel and miss to see the most desired scene on the screen – THE END.
Poor they, by the time they learnt the spelling of word entertainment, cable TV had made it a commodity. We, me and my friend, belong to the generation for which entertainment was a luxury.
But, my heart goes for people who went and saw the movie in cinema halls. There were many of them as movie was one of the chart busters of 1985.